Overpriced, Sexy-Casual

Some people scour magazines or lady-sites like theBerry looking for hot dudes. I always go right for the Sartorialist when I'm in need of a hot dude (or 2).

The title of this post was 'If You're Thinking About...The Perfect Summer Outfit for a Man'. Sartorialist, you should thank me for editing this for you. NEEDED to be done.

Where to start? The guy on the left is a little too hot, if thats possible. He totally looks like he belongs in one of those Chase credit card commercials, or, here's an idea, a real movie? Standing there so casually with his shades, in his fashionably large pants, cigarette in hand, while carrying a very expensive bag. Oh Sartorialist, where do you find these people? And how do you find so many? 

The first thing I noticed was the hair (obvi). Those are very beautiful heads of hair. And the perfect, manicured scruff! The tattoos were probably the easiest part of constructing their respective images - you only have to get them once. If it were me, I'd get at least twice as many. But that's just personal opinion. I like tattoos. 

I get the feeling that it costs a lot to be that causally sexy. Probably more than I make in a year, and while I weep here over economics, I can at least look back at these handsomely constructed figures to make myself feel better.

I'm not sure if I want to be them or be on them. (Sorry I'm not sorry).

-bruiser

Sorority girl rant on head-straps

Some things I will never understand.

Example A: what is the motivation to grow a full head-strap?

Some men still think it is acceptable to grow a chin-strap (here's a clue: it's not). And some of those fools think its okay to grow a strap all around your head so it looks like your breaching your mom's bushy vagina. THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY.

SINNERS! you all need Jesus.

THE FUCK is wrong with you? There have been bad staches, and there have been failstaches here, but there are NONE worse than this. NONE MANY.

And its not just the tool above who thought this was a good idea: 

(side note: the fact that this douche missed the chin-strap concept is HILARIOUS. Distachter x1000)

I get it, some people miss their elementary arts classes and just need to express themselves. Believe me, I GET IT. Cornrows are a great tool to experiment with. Moustaches make excellent canvases for masculine creativity. But CONNECTING YOUR FUCKING NECK HAIR TO YOUR RECEEDING HAIRLINE IS NOT THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME OR THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN PLACE TO BE "CREATIVE". SHIT'S NOT MOTHERFUCKING KOSHER, SO DON'T FUCKING DO IT. JACKASS.  


If you have one of these (as inspired by my favorite sorority girl Rebecca Martinson) let me ask you to punch yourself in the face right now so I don't have to fucking find you to do it myself.


That's enough of the internet for today.
-bruiser

Brett Keisel's Beard, Take 2

During my absence, Brett Keisel shaved his iconic beard. It's okay since it was for charity, but Brett - never again. I'm serious.

Here is what he looks like sans-glory:

And with the beard as the world was meant to be:

I don't know why his beard isn't the biggest deal on the internet. It's pretty much the biggest deal in my life - I MEAN FUCKING LOOK AT THAT LUSH FACIAL HAIR.  I'm certain it feels like chinchilla fur.  

I think this is a good opportunity to diskuss the power of the beard. The above picture shows a regular guy. He looks like your brother's roommate. Nice, but nbd. But when you see him with a beard, he levels up to 11 and becomes über-football-sex-god. That is the power of the beard. Its the difference between being and not being pregnant. Because beards are the #1 cause of pregnancy - thats the fact, jack. 

But I'm klarly not the only one who feels this way - many people responded by photoshopping the famous beard onto other people/objects: Enjoy!

-bruiser

Deer This Guy:

So there is an artist from China who has worn a deer mask every day for the last 4 years.

Luo Dan started wearing the mask and became addicted to its 'therapeutic properties'. He says the deer is a 'tame animal'. 

I'm calling BULLSHIT. You know this dude is from China cause he has never seen deer in his life. Those things are NOT tame - they are wild-ass, shifty-eyed motherfuckers who are out to get you. If they don't destroy your car, they will kick you in the head and kill you. Luo Dan has no idea of what an aggressive statement he is making. If he were in America, he'd become instant target practice. Too easy.

Read the full story here.

[Full disclosure I have been shit on by a deer. True story.]

-bruiser

She has funny dreams

Life can be stressful sometimes. And sometimes people are on drugs. Either of these people will have fucked up dreams, and if you fall in the the middle of the venn-diagram, you are screwed my friend.

Recently I had one such dream.

Scene: Leaving a billionaire's house party.
Situation: Everyone gets a monetary party-gift (sounds awesome, right?)
What happened to me: I grab a gift card. For $200,000. Even better, right? Wrong.

It was to KFC. $200,000 gift card to fucking KFC.

Now I don't eat at KFC, although this isn't the problem. I would totally eat at KFC for free for the rest of my life (51 years, give or take, of an 8 piece bucket combo for the rest of my life). But why the fuck would I do that? I want the money, not free chicken (even though fried chicken is the best chicken #fact).

I debated my options. I could be a philanthropist and donate it to a food shelter. Or I could be a dick and sell it to a church (read: Baptist) at a discounted rate, which is slightly generous. Or I could be even more of a dick and buy a store. Or 3.

Or I could sell it to Dave Grohl. He loves that shit.

I don't think I've ever been more intrigued by a hypothetical situation, ever.
Here's to fucked up shit.
-bruiser

PS - the drug dream was in reference to the time I was on malaria pills. woah.